I Never Knew

Looking back, I never thought it would be this way. I knew it would affect me in one way or the other throughout my life, but I never knew I could feel this much emptiness.

I have read stories from other mothers and some are hopeful and happy, some are bad, some are crazy, some are extremely sad, but the thing is… We all have different stories. And that’s what makes this situation so difficult to understand from an outside point of view.

I placed my child after I was already a mother, I had my first child at 19. I’m not sure how I did it. I really think I had trained my mind to block out anything that hurt. I blocked it out for YEARS. Now, I feel it all. It’s been coming in violent waves.

I realized that I spent so long trying to shove those feelings deep down inside. I spent a lot of time hanging out with friends, partying, drinking, basically escaping my reality. Don’t get me wrong, of course I still took care of my son and my responsibilities. I went to college after my daughter’s birth, I was working 3 jobs and going to school at one point. But in my free time, I let loose. I was reckless at times. I didn’t realize until the past few years that I did all of that as an escape. I thought I was just living the life of a dysfunctional woman in her 20’s. Wild and crazy. I have always been a bit dysfunctional due to my childhood and the family I was born into. But, at this point, I didn’t know that it was stemming from something far deeper.

It was the loss of her. I didn’t even speak of her often, it’s almost as the trauma was so great, that my brain was trying to forget her. At times, a thought of her would creep out of the locked box in my mind. When this happened, I felt great shame; I felt shame that I was able to distract myself enough, that I literally locked her away in my mind.

I won’t lie, it brings me great depression and despair. I long to know and hug the child that I carried in my womb, that I held in my arms, that I placed into the arms of another woman. I will never forgive myself for that. Never. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could. I severed a bond that didn’t have to be broken. I deprived my daughter of the chance to grow up with her original family. We’re good people, we were enough. I only wish I would have seen that back then.

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