Topsy-Turvy

As I write this post today, so much has changed since the one I originally wrote almost 2 years ago. At the time I first started posting, I had contact with my daughter. And now, unfortunately, I do not. She chose to end contact, and I don’t know for how long.

Ah, the open adoption. How bittersweet…

That’s the one thing that I can’t decide if it’s better or worse to have… contact. It was almost easier not knowing what she looked like, not knowing how her life is going. It was almost easier being curious, but keeping my distance. But now, the box is open. I can’t close it again. I WANT TO for my own sanity. But, I can’t. Sadly, some days I wish I could erase her from my mind. Thoughts of her bring nothing but pain, regret and sorrow. It’s soul-crushing.

It’s always been a roller coaster ride, but for awhile, things were looking good. We were texting, following each other on social media and I was able to send her packages. It was nice to have that contact. I would inquire about her days, sometimes she was super talkative, and then cold and distant at other times. I made her things and sent them to her, and sent her letters. I attempted to treat our relationship like a friend, I didn’t try to act motherly. I would always be open about my feelings, but I didn’t try to mother her. Perhaps my interest in her life and desire to communicate with her often, came across as being motherly? Or since she was exposed to me on a personal level now, perhaps she couldn’t handle that kind of attention from me? Who knows? It’s all very confusing to me. I was always honest, while at the same time not fully expressing my real emotions in fear of scaring her away. Perhaps my desire to know her pushed her away? Maybe I’m just too much for her? Was it my honesty? Was it too overwhelming for her? Did I ask too many questions? My only desire was to have a decent relationship with her. Now, I wonder if it will ever happen…

Some days it felt so promising… Like when she would leave sweet comments on my photos, or when she sent me a text out of the blue one day that said “You’re so beautiful!”.  The most uplifting was the day that she told me that she can’t wait to turn 18 so she can meet me. That was such a beautiful day. I’ll never forget it. I even have a photo to remember that day. All of the little things were so big to me. Gargantuan. They gave me hope. However, it seemed like every time we made some progress, it would only take a step or two backwards…

Throughout our contact, she claimed that her adoptive mom was getting upset with her for wanting to know me. Now, I never outright disrespected her parents, but I didn’t sugarcoat things either. She even expressed frustration with the situation, and when I told her that I agreed, and find that to be manipulative behavior, she would go silent and then would come back later and tell me how she’s happy that I gave her life, but those are her parents and it’s not their fault. This to me was quite confusing. It’s hard to say if those were her own thoughts, or the words of the adults around her. She claimed that her mom “treated her differently” when she knew she was in contact with me. She also said that she didn’t want to “ruin her relationship with her mom”. Why would someone want to guilt-trip a child for wanting to know the person who gave them life?

Lastly, she told me that she feels like I’m trying to squeeze in and take the place of her mom. That was the last conversation I had with her. She said she “couldn’t do this any longer, it’s taking her focus from her family and that’s not fair”. So, needless to say, I was quite devastated. I felt my heart sink into my stomach. I just wanted to fade away. I often wonder if she was honest about her mom, or if she was using that as an excuse to pull away from me. I guess I’ll never know. I know that there can certainly be jealously and possessiveness from adoptive parents, but this brought me great anger. I already have strong feelings about her adoptive parents, but this situation made them worse. Considering that she is still young, I know that she is experiencing the pains of being a teenager and all of the fun stuff that comes with it. I’ve been trying to not be upset by her deciding to not have contact with me, but it’s hard not to be crushed.

I’ve learned a huge lesson from this loss. Adoption may be good for some situations, but it was the worst choice I’ve ever made in my life. I regret it, it’s certainly my biggest regret. I should have parented my daughter. She should be with me today.

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