The “not-so-secret” Secret

The man who signed the papers for my daughter’s adoption wasn’t actually her father. Yeah, I know… That’s screwed up. I know it is. I don’t feel good about it. Looking back, it’s just another item on my list of regrets.

When I told her father that I was pregnant, he wanted me to get an abortion. I told him that I was not doing that. That day was the end of our “relationship”. I saw him once or twice after the announcement of my pregnancy. I ran into him in public one evening and he started to question me about the baby. I told him that I miscarried and that it wasn’t his. Obviously, he didn’t believe me, nobody with common sense would have. But he didn’t push it, I walked away from him and that was that… The last time I physically saw him.

At that point, I had already started dating another person. I was not very comfortable being alone in my younger years, I will openly admit it. I was dysfunctional, always searching for the right person to love me. I’ve dated a lot of different people in my lifetime. It was nothing for me to move on to the next person. I had this gift/curse of turning most of my feelings on and off, like a lightswitch. I would get upset for a little bit, then move right on. I think I just buried everything and tried to mend it by finding that exciting “fresh love” feeling again. This most likely stems from my childhood (we’ll talk about that another time). This person I started dating ended up being the person who signed her adoption papers with me, we were together for close to 6 years. He was with me through my entire pregnancy and saw me through all of the heartache after. He was good to my son. And during my pregnancy, he even offered to help me raise my daughter, because he knew I was struggling with my decision. I only wish I would have taken him up on his offer. I didn’t though, because I let myself believe that I wasn’t enough. Him and I eventually parted, but at least I would still have my daughter with me today if I would have allowed him to help me.

Now back to the man that is her actual father…

I always wondered all of those years if he actually cared or not. I knew he had to know that I lied to him. But perhaps, that was just an easy way to not have to deal with it for him. We were both still young-minded, he also had another small child, so a new baby may have been an intimidating responsibility in his mind. I understand his hesitations, but I still have some underlying anger about it. Had he been supportive and just helped me, I would have my daughter with me today.

Not too long ago, I finally contacted him and told him everything. It felt good to let it out. Come to find out, he already knew, he just didn’t push the issue. He claimed to have regrets as well. It was good to talk to him about everything. It was so bizarre. And after a few conversations, I disappeared back into the shadows. I only wanted to let him know about her and let him see who he helped create. For me, that chapter was now over and I could put him to rest in my mind. He wants to know our daughter eventually, but I’m not sure if she’ll be up to it. From the sounds of it, she’s not really interested in meeting him at this point. That may change eventually, but who knows? Right now, she doesn’t even want to talk to me, so who knows what the future holds…