Inescapable

I only wish others could understand this pain, this loss. It’s a daily thing. I’m constantly wondering what she’s feeling, how she’s doing, if I’ll ever see her again… It’s an inescapable thing. I only wish that I could forget it. Put it away, pack it up, ship it off to another land. It’s all consuming, my every day, so many times she invades my thoughts. It’s torture. I just want it to stop. I feel like it’s over. I feel hope slipping away, each day. And I sit in my mind, in agony. Wishing I didn’t have to feel this. Wishing that it would just go away. I live in a ocean of regret. I can’t stop this feeling. It’s pretty shitty.

For me, this is adoption. I don’t have any happy, sunny views on it. I think sometimes adoption is a good thing, yes. There are children who are truly in dire need of a loving family. In cases where a child is in danger, being neglected, abused, malnourished, etc… I completely agree that they should be cared for by other capable, kind, humans. In cases of financial situations though, looking back, it wasn’t the right choice for me. I had two main concerns for her, my lack of financial stability at the time, as well as the fear that her father would not have been there for her. I allowed those fears to overrule even my most basic instinct of mothering my child. I really did play some mind tricks on myself. I had myself convinced that I was doing the right thing. It’s so crazy how powerful our thoughts can be. They can influence so much in our lives.

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