Tell me. Because unfortunately, I want to. It would make life easier to live. Besides, it doesn’t seem like you really care from our last few interactions.
I’m tired of thinking of you. I’m tired of the grief and regret. I’m tired of not being able to talk to you. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger to my own daughter. I’m tired of feeling lesser-than. I’m tired of looking at your social media and wondering if you would be the same had you been with me. I don’t want to wish your current life away, however, I wish you had grown up with me. I know you have a different life now, and I understand that. It still doesn’t change the fact that I want you with me, that I wish I had made a different choice.
To be brutally honest, I don’t like how you’ve been raised, I don’t respect the people who have raised you. I know you love them, I know they are your parents since they raised you, but I still don’t respect them. The manipulative and jealous behavior, mixed with the ignorance is just too much for me. I’m not even sure that you can see it. It’s such a crazy feeling to know that ultimately, I placed my daughter with people that I would eventually regret ever meeting, people that stand for the total opposite of what I stand for. It really sucks to feel that way. I wish I could feel happy for you. The thought of you makes me feel crushing misery, guilt, disappointment, and hopelessness. Unfortunately, I feel these feelings far too often, so they just become intensified, because I can’t escape them. It’s a pretty heavy thing to carry around. I want it off of my back. Out of my heart, deleted from my mind.
I was actually considering avoiding you from here on out, that includes looking at your social media. Outside of seeing your photos and evolving beauty, it brings me little joy, and lots of anguish. I don’t know why I even torture myself, it’s like I can’t control it. I desire to see how you are doing, even though in my mind, I don’t want to hurt myself even further. I was thinking, perhaps I should just cut it right here and now, even if you eventually decide that you would like to meet me again. I never thought I would say that. I never thought I would feel that. I would prefer this ship of memories to sail off into the sunset, and sink to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, never to be seen again. I don’t want to think of you any longer. I’m tired. I want to give up. This soul-crushing grief is just too much to handle. I thought it would get easier, I sure did fool myself. It only seems to get worse with time, certainly not easier. There are some days I would prefer to just exit life in order to escape the torment in my mind.
If only there were a way to delete memories… I love you dearly, but the thought of you is too painful. Even though we aren’t together, you haunt me daily.