In my mind, I was going to get to see her often. It would be okay, maybe tough, but okay? Since I wouldn’t be with her, I wouldn’t bond with her, it would be like she was someone else’s baby, it would be okay, right?
Remember, you already committed to this. You don’t want to let anyone down now, plus, you don’t need another baby right now, how are you going to afford it? You’re living in a broken trailer, you’re a poor single mom stripper who struggles to raise the child you have. You don’t need another baby right now, you’re just not ready… Let her go.
I would visit with her, and she would know who I was. She would love me, we would get along. We might have an odd or complicated relationship, but in my mind, at least it would have been something… Well, that’s not how it turned out, at all.
I was foolish and ignorant to even think that way in the first place. I betrayed my daughter, I gave her away, I gave away a member of my tribe, my small, unique tribe. Meanwhile, on the exterior, I’m thinking I’m doing a good thing, but deep down, I think I knew it wasn’t right. That experienced really traumatized me, and it was ongoing, so I didn’t even realize how bad it was. It was merely an extension of my already dysfunctional life experience. Always on survival mode. Something very wrong in my psyche drove me to go against my natural motherly instincts. I abandoned my child, I destroyed our bond. And it’s my fault. I don’t understand the person I was at that time. How in the hell did I do that?
So… The first year, visits felt alien, forced, I always felt like her new mom didn’t like my presence any longer, now that she had my baby. Her first birthday party was the end of my visits, the end of direct communication.
Turns out, it wasn’t so easy. It was TOO hard. I COULDN’T handle seeing another woman raising my child, I COULDN’T accept that she didn’t know who I was, my only defense at that point was to simply shut down. I gave up. I mean, I already gave up on her anyway, right? What was she losing? This little “blank slate” baby that I gave away. I was such an ignorant asshole, that I really thought that’s how it worked. I thought my public school education was okay, but looking back, I was so very ignorant when it came to SO many things. I had zero education or support when it came to adoption and the reality of it. I was “selfless” and doing “what’s best for her”. I had no idea what the future held. And I had no idea that my daughter wasn’t just a “blank slate” and that she came with her own unique DNA that connected her to me, that our bond grew while I was pregnant with her, that she knew my scent, my voice, she felt my emotions, she would remember things from me even after she left the womb. How could I be such a fool? I was 23! I should’ve known that we are born pre-wired with some things. I should have known that our connection to mother is one of the most important bonds you can have. I know about it, because my connection to mother is gone, our relationship is over, and even though it’s probably for the best due to dysfunction, I will say that IT SUCKS! And I miss having my mom everyday. Even if she wasn’t that great of one, I miss having her!
Eventually, on the rare occasion when I would see her new mom in passing, it always felt tense and unnatural. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. Seeing my little girl in the backseat of her car, jumping around. She had no idea who I was. When she walked up to me one day and said “Hi” at her a-grandparents house, I about lost it. That was such a crazy feeling, so depressing, heartbreaking. She didn’t know I was her mother.
That’s my little girl, why is she with someone else? What did I do? Just bury it… just tuck those emotions away… What’s done is done… You aren’t her mom now… Shhhhh….
Religion, racism, blind obedience to authority, military worship, killing animals for fun, all of the things I am the opposite of. I’m so pissed that my child was raised with these things that it makes me want to scream. I didn’t even know these people were the least bit religious or racist. I’m absolutely 100% opposed to religion and racism. And what happens… My daughter went to a christian elementary school and indoctrinated with bullshit, she’s also told that she’s not allowed to date black people, when her bio-half brother is mixed race. So infuriating! I cringe now every time I see her talk about “god” this or that. Even more infuriating is lack of education, she sent me a text one day a few years back that asked if atheists think we came from monkeys!? I guess she didn’t want to ask her a-parents, probably didn’t want to disappoint them by questioning religion! To which I sent her a short explanation of what atheists believe, and that we actually share DNA with monkeys, and bananas for that matter, and that the great world of science and biology is something to embrace. Let’s just say that the way she’s been raised is very disappointing to me and makes the regret 1000% stronger.
I thought her a-parents and I would have an okay relationship. I thought they would want to share her life with me. But it’s the total opposite.
Maybe adoption is the answer for some children, but not this one. This was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hate this adoption. I ruined everything and now I can’t fix it.